White or Black Stone
“Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.” Many of us have heard this silly little cheater’s slogan since early grade school playground days. You recall it don’t you? It simply meant Only I can win. You can only lose. Is this only a childhood slogan, or are we sometimes faced with it as adults?
The I.R.S., in spite of some noticeable improvements, targets you for an audit. You take the books all neatly prepared by your former employee only to learn that serious errors had been made. It dawns upon you, “I thought she knew her stuff. I wonder what this will set me back?”
When the auditor shows you their decision you slip back into your chair, shaking, weak and sick to your stomach. You hear your parched lips saying, “But I paid her good money to keep these records. I did the best I could.” But, your plea is met by that frozen look of “I’ve heard it all before.” And you realize that even the IRS sometimes utters, “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.”
You’re deeply in love with your spouse and discover that an affair has ripped your heart to shreds and blackened your future. Your food is tasteless. Beverages are lukewarm. Your stomach aches and refuses sustenance. Your mind races or crawls.
You want someone to talk with, to unload your heavy heart but the words won’t become audible as your tongue thickens in your mouth. “O’ God", you cry out, "is there no way out of this pain? Will I ever feel OK again?"
Your spouse has effectively said, “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose.”
Let me introduce a couple who personifies heads I win, tails you lose.
Sophia called to make the appointment. She said she and Wallace were close to splitting up. But they wanted to try counseling first.
"Would it be possible for me to come in alone and get some help? I'm sure you'll agree that our marriage is beyond hope."
"I don't recommend that, Sophia. When only one spouse comes for counseling then it tends to alienate their partner because they feel the Counselor knows all their dirt and is prejudiced against them."
"Oh, I never thought of that," she quickly responded. She continued, "But I think I must tell you the ugly facts. There's so much you'll need to know."
"Sophia, I respect your concern but I still insist that I see you both. I recommend that you tell your husband that the Counselor wants both of you to come for just one session. Push him a bit if you have to. This may save your marriage."
Meeting Wallace and Sophia I guessed they were in their mid-thirties. Sophia began, "We were High School sweethearts and have been married for 14 years and have two children."
During that first session I felt like Sophia was steering me to recognize her side of everything they were fighting about. She seemed to want me to be a judge and slam my gavel and say, "Wallace...you are guilty of causing all of your marital discord!!"
Wallace spoke only a handful of comments while Sophia devoured the time.
In addition she displayed a rare clue to where her heart really was. When I asked a question she played the eye game. In answering a question truthfully she met my eyes straight on. But if her answer sounded false her eyes looked just above my head. Subconsciously that often indicates an intent to deceive.
I asked each of them if they wanted to keep their marriage together. Wallace softly said "Yes" looking me right in the eyes. Sophia said, "Of course...why else would we have come for counseling."
Oh, and her eyes looked above my head.
Then I asked, "Do you sleep together?"
They nodded affirmatively.
"Do you know the meaning of vulnerability?" But I didn't wait for an answer. Continuing I said, "Vulnerability is having an argument where you feel you might have gotten hurt or been hurtful and each of you crawling into a king-sized bed...but scooting to the far edges. You can't sleep. You lie there without moving an inch, wondering if your partner went to sleep. Your heart is pounding and it cries out...turn over and apologize and cuddle with your spouse. But you're unsure what will happen if you attempt it.
You're wanting desperately to make all OK. So, after quite a while you quietly turn over and silently reach over and lightly touch your souse's back. If your spouse turns towards you, healing will begin. If they scoot farther away or leave the bed your vulnerability was crushed.
"If you both have tender hearts that reward vulnerability then the Lord will quickly restore your struggling relationship. If instead that type of sweet love and vulnerability is missing, I'll be giving you homework and, either way we'll need to meet weekly until things improve."
We closed with prayer and they started to leave. Sophia trailed a bit behind her hubby and slipped me some papers when he was out the door. The papers were 6 typed pages with the following heading: "These are the rotten things Wallace did this week."
Slowly Sophia and Wallace's relationship improved. Their faith and trust in the Lord stopped the bickering and note taking. We worked through the love teaching in 1st Corinthians 13:4-7: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
"Practicing this kind of heavenly, God-sent love will make the most dreary days cheerful. The most dry deserts an oasis and sprout life from death and decay."
In our final session I told them I want to tell you a quote from a famous actor and a story of a king who practiced Heads I Win Tails You Lose.
Clint Eastwood's alleged quote about marriage: "They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning."
They both chuckled.
A despotic king had been lusting after wives of his subjects. He had devised a scheme to where he would win the woman by challenging the husband to a contest. It wasn't just any contest...it was a rigged one.
One afternoon he challenged the man to the contest. "If I win, I get your wife. If you win you keep your wife." The man loved his wife and hated the King for forcing him to win a contest to keep his own wife.
Nobody had ever won against the king before.
The king led the man and wife up to the top of a hill. The king bent and picked up two stones and dropped them into a dark bag. "All right," the king challenged, "Draw out the white stone and she remains with you. Draw out the black stone and she’s mine."
As the king’s words were sinking in, the man’s eyes met the eyes of the king’s advisor.
The advisor’s eyes warned of deception by the king and his lips were silently mouthing words
Remembering the King never had lost a contest sweat engulfed the unsure husband.
As he took the dark bag from the king his love for his wife flooded his mind. How can I be sure which rock is white? Reaching into the bag the man gripped the two stones, felt their edges and tried to decide which one to pull out.
All hope seemed lost and then he saw the king's advisor again. It seemed he was saying.
Drop the stone. The advisor's head even slightly nodded downward.
The man desperately and quickly pulled his hand out and fumbled the rock and it fell from his hand onto the piles of rocks below. There was no way to ever know which color it was.
But the king took charge. He said, It was black. Your wife is mine.”
But, then the king’s advisor spoke, “Pardon me your majesty. Since he dropped the stone the only way we can know for sure which color it was is to look at the other stone…the one still in the bag.” He continued, “If the stone in the bag is white, then indeed he did draw out the black one and his wife is yours. However, if the stone in the bag is black, then he must have drawn out the white stone and his wife remains his own. What color is the stone in the bag?”
Since the king had lied and placed two black stones and no white stones in the bag he had set up a guaranteed win. There was no white stone at all. So, in spite of the king's scheme the man won and kept his wife thanks to the clever wisdom from the advisor, each of us needs to keep our eyes and ears open. When you face those absolutely, positively, unquestionably, without any doubt un-winnable difficulties remember that old motto “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose” was a lie, is a lie and always will be a lie. Replace it with, “Really difficult things take a while. Absolutely impossible just take a little longer.”
To my knowledge Sophia and Wallace's marriage is still intact.
God Will Make A Way
Don Moen
Please comment on this story by clicking "Comments" below.
No comments:
Post a Comment