I'm Just A Worm

I'm Just A Worm

     She called and made an appointment for counseling.  When she hadn't arrived I feared she wasn't going to show.  From my office in the back of the Church I walked through the dark auditorium and asked the church secretary if Martha had cancelled.

     "O' No! She's already here, maybe she's in the bathroom."

     So I walked back through the sanctuary towards my office.   I paused.  Was I hearing something in the dark?   Listening closely I heard movement in the third row of pews.   I went over to check it out.  That's when I saw her.  She was on her knees with something in her hand.   It looked like a strange-shaped knife.

     "Martha is that you?"  She nodded and raised herself to the pew.  I could see she'd been crying.   I asked if she was here for counseling.  She nodded and followed me to my office.

     Martha was a petite middle-aged brunette with a flawless complexion.  She had warm brown eyes but mostly kept her head down looking at the carpet.  Was she afraid?  Abused?  Hurt?  Depressed? Appearance wise she could have been a package of all.

     "How might I help you Martha?"

     "I don't know if you can... I... I... shouldn't have bothered you."

     "Well lets talk a bit. Maybe that will help.  Has someone hurt you Martha?"

     "I shouldn't talk about it. Maybe I just better leave."

     I explained how our meeting was completely confidential.   "No one will learn anything from my lips.  In 30 years of counseling I've never violated that trust.  Please feel you're fully protected and safe here."

     Opening my hands I gestured for her to begin.

     "This is really difficult because I don't want to speak against my husband.  But he is so cruel and judgemental.  We watched Phyllis come forward Sunday.   I saw her tears, and aching heart as she said, "I have sinned against my Lord and God."

     As soon as we got into the car he arrogantly mocked her, "She wasn't sincere.  She didn't repent.  Everybody could see she's just a rotten hypocrite."

     Martha whispered, "Oh, didn't you see how she looked.   She was so overwhelmed with guilt.  You could hear it in her voice.  I wanted to give her a big hug, wipe away her tears and tell her God loved her."   "Yea, sure," he answered, you are such a wuss... a sucker for any thing."

     "I burst out crying", she said.  "He was furious at me that I couldn't see through her sham.   I just ached and ached and silently wept."

     "You said he was cruel and judgemental,"  I said.   "Can you tell me of any other incidents?"

     She pondered and said, "Well the porch is one."

     "The porch? Tell me what you mean."

     "A few years ago the front porch started sagging on one end and when I walked on it I was afraid it might cave in and I'd get hurt."

     "And?"

     "I mentioned it to him and he exploded at me."

     "About what?"

     She began weeping so much it was quite a while before she got composed enough to continue.  "He... he... cussed me out and said, 'You're always complaining.  And I'm going to put a stop to it.  Do you know how?'"

     "No."

     "I will never lay one finger on that porch again.  It can rot for all I care."

     "Did he later apologize and fix the porch?"

     "O' No - he never apologizes about anything.  And now the porch has fallen down... it can't be used.  All I can do is come and go by the back door."

     I grew quiet and she wiped her eyes.  I thought, Dear Lord what do you want me to say?  I said, "Martha I want to pray about this and then meet with you again - how about next week?"

     "OK.  But if he knows I've told you about him he'll erupt again."

     "Martha I'm going to call Jacob and tell him I have an urgent matter to discuss with him.  I will not mention your name I promise.  He's a member here and I'll do my best to persuade him to make some changes."

     Curious I asked, "Martha if you don't mind me asking what were you doing in the sanctuary.  You were down on your knees with something sharp in your hand?"

     Now the tears really cascaded.  "I... I... was scraping gum off of the underside of the pews."

     Scraping gum off of the underside of the pews!  Oh what a tortured soul.  Her hurt made me sick to my stomach.  Catharsis to the max.  She felt so belittled and bruised by her husband.

     She said, "Doesn't the Bible say 'I'm a worm of a man?"

     "That's me.  I need to do something to get God to forgive me... if He will. I feel so dirty."

     I had learned long ago to use a desk chair with rollers.  I slowly rolled near her and gently encouraged her downtrodden soul.

     "Martha, the Lord died so each of us worms could be saved.  Remember what the Father did when he saw his prodigal son on the far off road?  He ran to him and hugged and hugged him more.  God's arms want to embrace you.  He'll never leave you."  Then I prayed with her.  She left with a tiny glimpse of hope in her heart.

     Jacob made every excuse in the book about why he couldn't come and meet with me.   "After all Preacher ~ I work 60 hours a week running my business - plus doing all the paperwork." 

     Two more phone calls later persistence paid off and he said, "All right - let's do it right after church Sunday."

     I closed the door and sat across from him.

     "Jacob, did you see Phyllis come forward and repent?"  He nodded.

     "How did that impact you?"

     "I didn't believe her."

     "Jacob, aren't we supposed to forgive anyone who confesses?"

     "Not if they're a hypocrite.  She was so disgusting and insincere."

     "But Jacob, she's a revitalized changed woman now.  The Angels are even rejoicing for the lost lamb who has been found."

     "She won't last. Just wait. You'll see her do it again."

     "Aren't you aware of what God promises when we repent?"

     "Mark my words she's a loser.  She'll never change no matter how many times she says so."

     "Brother, I'm going to read you a Scripture."

     "For this is what the high and majestic one says, the one who fills the eternal realm with glory, whose name is Holy.  “I dwell in high and holy places but also with the bruised and lowly in spirit, those who are humble and quick to repent.   I dwell with them to revive the spirit of the humble, to revive the heart of those who are broken over their sin." (Isaiah 57:15, TPT)

     "Jacob you're arguing with God.  This passage says that revival comes from God.  We don't have the option or position to dispute anything the Lord says.   I challenge you to repent and beg for forgiveness."

     Jacob grew silent.  Like a stone.  He never shed a tear or anything close to it and then left.  He chose a different remedy.  Instead of coming forward in repentance - he wrote a letter to the church leaders, "I said some gruff things about someone in the church.  Sorry."

      How I wish he would have confessed publicly and then come for counseling.  But he didn't.

     About a year later he was working on a dump truck with the bed tipped clear up.  He failed to put a block of wood under it for safety.  When it collapsed he was crushed to death.

     Martha continued in counseling until she realized she didn't need to carry her own heavy baggage anymore.  There was Someone who would lighten her load.

     "Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:29-30, MSG.)

Matthew West - "Nobody":

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